m

I wish I was blogging again for a different reason than this one. I admit, some of you may wonder what I’m getting at. Some of you may respond negatively. Sorry about that. This is just me… trying to work it all out.

I knew someone, someone I had worked with, someone I was going to work with again. Let’s call her… M.

Earlier this week, I learned that she’d committed suicide. For a couple days, I was simply numb with shock. But yesterday… and today… it’s become real.

I knew that she was generally unhappy, but I didn’t know this. I didn’t try very hard to be her friend, you see. I don’t blame myself for what happened, of course. But I can’t help but wonder if this could’ve been avoided if I had tried.

Yes, yes. Don’t go there. I’ve heard it all before.

I’m reminded so much of someone else who took her own life. This isn’t about her, though. It’s not… really about M, either. It’s about me wondering yet again what takes a person to that place, that place of no return. I have looked down that way myself. Sometimes intensely so. Sometimes idly. Suicide is… complicated.

Don’t worry. I haven’t considered it in more years than I can recall. But to be honest, I’ve been in a rough place for quite a while now. Like M. Ah, she seemed so defiant. So full of life. So determined. Those were the qualities she put forth, what else could I have thought? She had her naysayers, her demons. But I was always so impressed with her tenacity. Was it an act? Or had she simply found herself in a profoundly vulnerable moment? Did M leave anyone behind to pick up the pieces? Close family? Good friends? People who really cared about her? What has this been like for them?

It burns, the not knowing anything. It burns, the realization that potential–anyone’s potential–could disappear in a split second. I’ve wondered it myself. Would I leave anything behind? Doesn’t it matter? I’m working on something, on more than one thing. It needs to matter. It needs to amount to something.

I didn’t know M well, not as well as I should’ve. But I won’t forget. And I won’t let this go to waste.