what to say? where to go?

What is happiness? No, not a definition. No, not the “key” or secret to it. Well, maybe the secret. Is it an equation? Job + family + house = happiness? Or maybe money + health + friends? Here’s a more likely one, I think. Purpose + love (even self-love) + belief (in anything). Maybe I’ve made it too complicated. Maybe, you say, it’s not math. Fine, but I think there are elements that add up to it, concepts and experiences that merge to make for a sense of happiness. Without some of these… well. I won’t say you can’t be happy. But it can happen.

It’s so bizarre how one person can throw so many things out of order, so many lives spun into confusion. Sometimes families go through a fragmentation process, a change from which things may never be what they once were. I’m not really speaking to the family’s most recent loss. I don’t really know what’s going on there. But I think more about my own. When my father died… actually, let me back up a little.

When my father lived, life was sensationally awesome. We weren’t rich. My dad didn’t have a super job. (He’d retired, in fact.) My mom didn’t, either. We didn’t live in a great neighborhood. And yet, things were so great. I was not a lazy kid. I was pretty active–sports, extracurricular clubs, church even. I was really really happy. I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. Everything was coming up sunny.

Today… it’s not so sunny. And yes, that’s an understatement, but I don’t have the heart to spill out exactly the degree to which things are not sunny.

I pride myself on being able to express myself through writing, much better than through speaking. I can describe my feelings with pinpoint accuracy, except that to be that honest here would require a willingness to vulnerability I just cannot do.

I’m not happy. I’m not even content anymore. Nothing is okay, not on the inside. And I don’t even know who to tell except people who I don’t know, those of you who read my blog. I have come to you with this, and I’m not even sure why, but these words leak from me like a bad faucet and I’ve decided to just go with it. It’s much better than the alternative of leaking all over everything else, somewhere I’d rather not leak.

And here my writing fails me. What more can I say? How else can I put things without bleeding into sentimentality? An unforgivable act, in my opinion, as it smacks of disingenuousness. So here I leave it.

Thanks for reading.

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2 thoughts on “what to say? where to go?

  1. First of all I’m really sorry for your loss. It’s easy to get lost in family dramas, and I am nobody to preach about happiness. I’m not happy either. But I’ve learned that depending on myself rather than other people helps.

    Yes, having external things like money, and a nice place, and good friends helps but there are things you can do everyday to make life easier on yourself. Write. Paint. Run. Make bad poetry. Go to Art museums. Get a pet. I know it feels like a lot of time you need to be in the “right mood” to do these things but in my experience “the right mood” is a temperamental bitch.

    You have to force yourself sometimes. You have to seek inspiration even when you don’t have the will to get out of bed. Takes things one step at a time. And make the space in your life to do the things you really love. That’s the only thing that’s ever helped me at all. Take charge of your life.

    And also if you ever want someone to talk to I am also a geeky, introvert with problems making friends.

    This is where I should say: “I’ll pray for you” but I’m an atheist so I’ll just say bye, and good luck, I hope you feel better.

  2. fireflyin says:

    I like what you said about “the right mood.” Indeed, it is temperamental. I hadn’t thought about it like that, but it’s so true. Sometimes you do have to force yourself to rediscover the joy you once knew, the little things. Sometimes the little things make the difference.
    And atheist or no, thanks for not praying for me. 🙂 I really hate it when people say they’ll do that.

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