I was going to write about different things today. Except something happened in the early hours this morning.
My step-sister Kim died.
It wasn’t terribly unexpected. We’d known for some time she’d been fighting a losing battle with cancer. Of course, we always hoped… for… something miraculous. We hoped treatment would take. We hoped… for a lot of things that ultimately didn’t come to pass.
What does that do to one with faith? That it would all work out. That God would abide. That God is good? There are so many questions, and just not enough answers. And there never will be, not in this life. Maybe not even in the next. How does faith speak to this? I can’t quite remember.
As a favor… please do not take this the wrong way, but if any of you feel moved to leave a comment, I ask you not speak to me about faith. I just can’t bear to read it. Anything except faith.
It’s a quiet house today. My step-father, who has always been a relatively quiet type is beside himself with grief. As I looked at him today and gave my condolences, it was literally too much for me to bear to look at him for long. The tears and the anguish raw on his face… I’d never seen such emotion on his face. Not on anyone’s, not since… well, it’s been a long time.
My mother and I have been here before, and today we wander helpless, confused. What to say? What to think or feel but the loss? For myself, I cannot yet gauge my own reaction, so twisted it leaves me inside.
To see my family mourning. And I use that word, family, in a previously unrealized way. Family is not always blood, nor is it always friendship. And I have always struggled with family relations, with grasping the intimacy and loyalty that comes with it. In the coming days, I imagine that may change some.
But this wasn’t a surprise. I saw it coming but have been unable to do anything about it. Like a train headed toward me, and I’m powerless to step off the tracks. It’s only a matter of time.
I don’t know what this means for us.