no one is going to love you

There’s an expression… goes something along the lines of “how can anyone love you if you don’t love yourself?” I’ve heard it before, been told it, seen it told to others. I have never believed it.

Until now. I wonder now.

My dating life has been more active the last few months than it’s been for years. And… well. I’m still single. Because of choices I’ve consciously made. Yes, I’ve chosen to stay single. It feels better this way, for now, which stymied me for a while because I’ve been somewhat vocal about feeling too alone lately. And it’s true–I am alone. My friends, the ones I can count on, live out of state. And until this past summer, I was dateless for years.

It seems I like being alone, however.

What does this have to do with that expression I mentioned earlier? I don’t understand why any of the women I’ve gone on a date with lately wanted to go on a date with me. I’ve examined myself, outwardly and inwardly, and asked what it is that attracted them. I’m still not sure. Then again, I don’t really know what draws a woman. In a way, though, I’m not sure I love myself. Because I don’t know what it is about me that’s worthwhile. Maybe it’s ultimately irrelevant. But I wonder now about that expression. Because I let each of those potential relationships wither. I made that decision.

On the other hand. I don’t feel unhappy about being alone anymore. I don’t regret my recent actions. I do… feel somewhat bad about unintentionally wasting these women’s time. But it appears the dating pool isn’t for me. Maybe it’s not the right time. Maybe I haven’t met the right woman. Maybe there’s something wrong with me. It could be all of those things.

Or it could be that I need to love myself. Whatever that means.

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