I have trouble making friends.
I have trouble keeping friends.
But I’ve been… fortunate, lucky, blessed–whatever you would call it–to be making new friends. In unexpected places. I recently made a new friend while doing some freelance stuff. On the other hand, I’ve neglected my other friends. I don’t know why. I know it’s not “cool” to do that. To those friends who read this blog, I’m sorry. Really, I am. I promise to rectify things between us.
Socializing is hard. Maybe for everybody. I imagine there aren’t many people for which it comes naturally. But it’s especially difficult for an introvert. (I talked a little about this in a previous blog post.) Oddly, sadly, horribly, this struggle can apply even to my friends. Some understand this. Others don’t.
Maybe I’m a jerk for it.
I was just telling a buddy today that, although I’m not happy right now, I’m as close to it as I’ve been in a while. Some things are going pretty well. I’m writing and developing. I am socializing… just perhaps not everywhere I ought to be. I’m even losing weight, which astonishes me more than anyone. These are all very good things. Sometimes it feels like my life’s on hold, but that’s not always a bad thing. Maybe it’s the Chicago Cubs fan in me. It’s a rebuilding year, right? (It always seems to be a rebuilding year for them.) I want to believe that I’m rebuilding myself, and I’ve been doing it from the ground up. I need a lot of work, too. There are issues that run to the core I’ve wrestled with for years–or worse, ignored for years. So much scar tissue.
There are… many things I want to share. Words spilling out of me like a broken spigot, except I wouldn’t know how to turn it off. Stuff would tumble out: water, dreck, rust, who knows. Ugly things. Shameful things. Repugnant things. Things I desperately hope to keep locked away, maybe forever, at least until I can figure out how to face them and overcome them. I wonder, do I disappoint?
Today I tried to repair things with someone, a friend, a potential… something. I made a bad choice, a stupid choice. I knew what the right one was, but I didn’t make it. I didn’t know how, was afraid of what might happen next.
F*cking introvert issues.
I don’t know what’s going to happen now. Will she accept my apology? Probably. Will she give me another chance? I don’t know, and I can’t say that I deserve one. But I’ll hope for it, anyway.
Small steps. One friendship at a time. And hope they’ll still be there.