running on fumes

Sometimes, a lot of times, I don’t really know what to say. This happens most often in social situations, where I am the worst. On one of my favorite TV shows, Joss Whedon’s Angel, there’s a great quote that sums up my skills at chit-chat and general socializing.

“I”m so glad you came. You know how parties are. You’re always worried that no one’s going to suck the energy out of the room like a giant black hole of boring despair. But there you were in the clinch!”

Exaggeration? Maybe, but not far off. I try, though. Sometimes I end up with something witty. Sometimes… most of the time, it just comes off as awkward and unsettling. When it’s with strangers, this is pretty bad. But when it’s with people I know, when it’s with family, it’s a hundred times worse. Sometimes, I wonder if it’s better not to try and just stick with what I do best. Which is play the wallflower.

Sadly, this won’t work if I hope to make something of myself in Hollywood. You have to be noticed. You have to put yourself out there.

In writing… well, it’s the same principle. Sometimes, I don’t know what to write. And not just for the blog, although that can be an unhappy challenge unto itself. It happens when I’m working on a story. It took forever to finish my book. It’s been a year or so since I’ve been staring this script project in the face. My screenwriting partner definitely does not appreciate this, and he recently called me out on it. It’s not that I dislike the story. No, I’m still sold on it. It still interests me. It still excites me. So why?

I think in some cases, it’s fatigue. You’ve devoted so much of yourself to a thing, that you’re burned out. Now I haven’t written anything for the script in a while, but I think about it almost all the time. I don’t always have something brilliant to write down, but my brain constantly works on it. My brain has been constantly working on it for over three years. It was the same way with my book. Even now, I think about my book and occasionally jot down some notes.

I think my brain’s tired. But I really don’t know how to turn it off. I live in my head. It’s my strength and my weakness. I can think something through even when I don’t realize it. I see something. My brain deconstructs it, then builds it anew. Stories, people, whatever. I’m tired, but it’s difficult to explain to people.

I have a friend who, I think, is going through a similar difficulty. I wish I could help her. I wish someone could help me.

I have a little vacation time saved up from work. Maybe I need to take it. Now if I just knew what to do while on vacation…


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